If He Was a She
by masruiiiik
Summary: Fem!Dei -For one thing, if he was a girl, he would've still ripped his shirt off in his final moments. It's just that he wouldn't have had to blow himself up to win. Sasuke's perverted mind and his feminine assets would've done the job just fine. Crack!


**I haven't written crack in a while…so…well…**

**CRACK-ATTACK! Mwahahaha!**

**(In other words, brace yourself for a LOT of crack coming from me soon… :D)**

-o-

**If He Was a She**  
><span>The Super-Mega-Ultra-Weird Fanfic in Which Deidara is a Girl…and Manages to Beat Sasuke…Without Blowing Herself Up…<span>

Deidara watched as the Uchiha-brat's Kekkai Genkai was turned off, and the Sharigan she so despised gave way to deep onyx. The last of her sanity crackled and snapped, and she reeled back in fury.

"Do you really underestimate me so much, un?" She whispered venomously, playing with the top of her shirt. She debated if she should really do this…blowing herself up. But then again, there really wasn't much to live for anyways now, the Akatsuki was slowly crumbling, and she knew it'd only be a matter of time before she was wiped out as well.

And also, the Uchiha-brat was really grating on her nerves.

Really, _really_ grating on her nerves.

With a ferocious cry, she ripped away the thin fabric that consisted of her fishnet shirt, and let the torn blue cloth flutter to the grass. She didn't seem to notice Sasuke's shocked countenance, and instead, reached into her pouch to grab some of her clay.

"This'll be my ultimate piece of art!" She began ranting and raving, remaining ignorant to Sasuke's wide-eyed stare. "I shall die and become art itself! Then…my art will receive the admiration it's always deserved, un!"

"…Wha—?" Sasuke muttered, distracted by Deidara's…feminine assets to really give a damn about what she was screeching to him.

She stopped, the clay still held in her hands, and she glared daggers at the younger boy across from her. "Were you ignoring me, un?"

"…Wha—?" Sasuke muttered again. Deidara let out a screech of frustration.

"My eyes are here, dumbass, un!" She gestured wildly and momentarily discarded her clay in favour of pointing furiously at her one visible blue orb. Sasuke's eyes didn't stray from her bare chest.

"They're…they're bouncing…" The Uchiha whispered, and if you leaned in close enough, you could see very little drool beginning to accumulate at the corner of his mouth.

"ARGH!" The terrorist finally seemed to notice her state of undress (she had been distracted before by her anger), and quickly crossed her arms over her mounds. Sasuke, disappointed that his view had been ruined, looked up and shot daggers at the blonde.

"What the hell?" The Uchiha growled out. "Your arms are in the way. Move them." He demanded, sounding very stoic for a very horny man/boy/teenager/closet-pervert.

"Hell no!" Deidara cried out, truly regretting ripping off her shirt now. "I'm about to kill you, un! You're in no position to give out demands!"

"Whatever." Sasuke snorted, hardly phased at the words that had just escaped the half-naked, insane bomber's lips. Deidara screeched like a banshee.

"I'm about to kill you! Act a little concerned, will you, un?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I will rephrase myself; whatever." He leaned back on his hands and regarded the blonde with a cool expression. "This is a very nice view to die to."

Deidara gaped in shock at the Uchiha. "PERVERT, UN!" She cried, almost pointing a finger in accusation at the raven-haired boy, but remembering that her arms were the only thing keeping her from extra-strong eyes that could see through everything (she didn't miss the fact that Sasuke had turned on his Sharingan again after she ripped off her shirt).

"Pfft." Sasuke breathed out. "Don't act surprised. My ex-sensei _was_ Kakashi…the biggest pervert the ninja world has ever seen. Right after Jiraiya, that is."

"PERVERT, PERVERT, PERVERT, UN, PERVERT, PERVERT, UN!" Deidara continued yelling and screaming and Sasuke blinked. 

"Alright. I'm a pervert. Now be a nice girl and make my death much more bearable; put down your arms." 

"HELL NO, PERVERT, UN!" And with that, the blonde forgot all about blowing herself up, and instead reached for her clay again and just chucked the whole hardened thing right at the Uchiha.

Sasuke, distracted once again by Deidara's chest (which was bore to the world once again when she had chucked the clay) and too busy watching in fascination as the mounds bounced around, failed to dodge the poorly thrown clay, and fell down backwards as it made contact with his forehead. 

Sasuke was down.

"That's why I hate Uchihas, un." Deidara spat out angrily before blowing the unconscious Sasuke's form a raspberry. She was currently too angry to remember her obsession with killing all Uchihas and instead of using the golden opportunity of blowing Sasuke up right now, she, instead, attempted to walk away.

She failed and fell down onto the ground.

"YEARGH…UN!" 

And so, like any other half-naked dignified lady trapped in the middle of the forest with nowhere else to go, she began crawling around, calling out for Tobi.

"Tobi! TOBI, UN! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I NEED YOUR SHIRT, GODDAMNIT, UN!"

-o-

"Deidara-sempai, what are those things on your chest?"

"SHUT UP TOBI, UN!"

And then there was a big boom.

-o-

**That was really fun to write. XD Not my best, but I enjoyed writing it, so…**

**I hope you guys enjoyed this! :D**

**Hugs,**

**Harmony**


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